- and you will be my forever mistake. my forever nightmare. my forever pain. i spilled my inks and thoughts for you but you just nailed on hurting me. so now you will be, and always, my forever unwanted memory.
There was a lot of discordance the week before ICON 2018 but God let me despite of everything, not knowing that He has a surprise waiting for me. It was one afternoon when my friends pointed this guy to me and he caught my attention. This stranger took my breath away, damn, okay. He is attractive. He has the brightest and most effulgent eyes I’ve seen. I looked at him as if he’s a fire with a contagious bright light.
After that was a series looking for this stranger, There was this time when I was already behind him but I still didn’t had the guts to approach him. Staring at him came to associate the question marks in my chest. Lots of “what if’s”; What if he’ll ignore me? What if he’s already taken? What if he’ll just stare and laugh at me? What about the wretched fractures of the past, the past that haunts me? But the hand of the wraith has no power over me, if I just pulled the plugs. Ugh stop it, Bianca. You’re overthinking again. You’ll just be asking for a picture, haha. There’s nothing wrong with that. Go for it. And just as I turned my back, he’s already gone.
Hours passed, I still kept thinking about him, Despite of the tiredness, I still looked for him over thousands of people and idk-how-many who has the same shirt as his, Hoping that I’ll see him again. God please, Just one picture, I begged. I don’t know, but out of thousands, I ignored all of the ephemeral beauty because I was looking for something certain, I was looking for him. Later I saw him standing but there it was again, the questions kept pulling me back. Then I realized, Sometimes your heart tells lies, so you need to dive underwater, into the abyss of everything, in order to learn how to survive. It’s now or never, Bianca. Funny how we actually met each other at exactly 11:11, My heart was seriously beating so fast when I came to each other, those eyes, lips, ugh. He was shaking, He looked shy, He didn’t even say a word. As we took our last picture he suddenly put his arms around my back…. Dear Lord. He held me pulling colors from my inside out, little drunken butterflies, flutter smitten kisses on his lips and eyelids, as if they knew me. My veins slit and dripping bliss, His arms felt like home. For the brief moment he held me so close, all my bones and cells and thoughts stopped aching. His arms filled my old wounds. His arms are right where I belong. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want him to let me out of his arms because I found everything I need in his.
It felt startling, Especially when we started talking to each other, We’ve told stories, bodies turning from strangers to friends to soul mates. He picked up my pieces very carefully, Every piece mattered, He blew me away, changed my mind, convinced me to fuck up again. Then it hit me, I’m ready for love again. I’m ready for anything. this makes it very dangerous for my heart but I don’t care, I found myself easily opening up to him and letting my demons turn into angels even though the keys we’re rusted, and I can’t remember why I wanted to open my door for him, I realized that it’s time to start healing. I’ve been sad for too long. Lonely. Hopeless. So with hard hands and my few scattered pieces, I’ll let him mold me. Come what may even if we’re oceans apart. He’s Roman 8:18, “The pain you’ve been feeling, Cannot compare to the joy that is coming.” I withstand all of hell just to meet him. God beautifully planned everything. i love him, and I’ll walk gently through his forest. i love him and all the beauty he hides in there. I didn’t expect I’ll end up loving this stranger this much. How beautiful it is to be fragile and vulnerable and full of love all at once, again. Indeed, the best way to find love is to find God. Baba, I love you fiercely, irrevocably, with a passion, from a distance, sweetly, recklessly. There are so many futures I want to share with you. Wait for me ♥️
Look, she’s trying, okay? She knows she isn’t perfect. But she’s trying her best to be enough for you. You gotta understand that there will be times she’ll annoy you, she’ll question you, dissapoint you and make mistakes. Without her intention of hurting you, she will still end up hurting you.
There would times you will see her ugly side, there will be times you’ll catch her on her worse day, and there will be times she’ll fuck up.
But just so you know that underneath all off the flaws and imperpection she has… She loves you so much.
Everytime you fight, you know what? She’s afraid that you’ll tell her “You know what? I can’t take this anymore, I’m done, it’s over.”
She’s sorry that she can’t be better for you. But she hopes she’s good enough for you, THE WAY SHE IS.
"Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you,
There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.
do you ever get in those moods where you don’t know how to feel and everything kinda feels mixed up and you’re just sitting there alone in your room trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you